How I accepted my mother and became happy

 

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It’s funny and amazing that I got to write about my mother. As an individual, who doesn’t believe in accidents, I have a feeling this has been long overdue. I need to acknowledge my mother and reconnect with her heritage.

 

In retrospect, I have always been daddy’s girl and then, step daddy’s girl, who was even more of a dad to me for as long as he lived until he passed away. My step dad (my mother’s second husband) died seventeen years ago. He was in our lives for ten years.

 

During those years, I barely spoke to my real dad. I felt neither need nor mutual desire. That changed, when my step dad died, and I needed to fill in my heart with new father figure. I craved father figure. For some reason, my whole life has been about fathers, brothers, boyfriends and then, a spouse. Everything about men and difficult relationships with them.

 

I slowly started talking again to my dad; it became easier, since I was transferred to school, where he was teaching physics and astronomy. To me, a fourteen year old traumatized and confused teenager he was a mesmerizing image of god, a source of truth, which was unquestionable, just like his authority. Due to my thirst of connection, I listened and believed everything he said; I was like a sponge, trying to soak every bit of information and attention, even like a puppy, craving love.

 

My father is bright, enlightened and passionate individual, a visionary. He influenced me profoundly. When he became successful in his business, which he was doing on a side from school, I was very proud. My mom was still working in some retail store, she was an owner, but eventually had to give it up, simply because it wasn’t producing enough money. To be honest, after spending all our savings, trying to save her second husband and the greatest love of her life, and after losing this battle with death, things went down spiral.

 

She found a third husband, but I felt she stayed with him, because she couldn’t stand the loneliness.

Her third husband was a complete opposite of her second husband. To make it more complicated he inherited two troubled kids (me and my sister), and a woman, who he loved with all his heart, yet he was doomed to be compared to the one she had truly loved and lost. It wasn’t easy. They were fighting constantly. He even left a few times, but always came back.

 

My mother is a very strong, powerful, insightful, deep and intense individual. For this very reason they couldn’t make it with my father. They were two leaders, who couldn’t give up their authorities.

 

By the age of nineteen, I was quiet and shy individual, with vivid imagination and dreams to be some kind of artist. I had a music band, where I was a singer, and I was constantly writing poems. What I didn’t have was guts to pursue artistic career. My mother was pressuring me to get a “real” education. I left music, went to study Tourism and Hospitality, and when I was twenty one, I came to the United States as an exchange student. I never came back home.

 

My father was trying to recruit me to expand his business overseas, but I just wasn’t wired the same way, and felt really guilty about it. His success and my inability to follow made me feel mediocre.

 

I was looking down at my mother, who was now working as a retail assistant at somebody else’s store. It was definitely under her intellectual capacity, but she couldn’t manage to get out to the next level. I was mad at her, yet I couldn’t find myself either.

 

Next year I’m turning thirty. I am just now realizing that I need to go into artistic field and not feel ashamed about it. I have been drilling everything my dad said out of my head, because I have realized that this man is not always right, and the wall between us can’t be broken even if I fulfill all of his expectations.

 

I’m learning to set boundaries and protect what’s important to me. I’m re-examining my relationship with my mother. My dad got this vibe going, as if she had nothing accomplished in her life, and he’s so successful, yet to me, she was lucky to experience the greatest love I have ever witnessed, and the most beautiful love story with the most amazing man, who had died for us. I envy her now.

 

I love talking to her; she’s my best life coach. I think part of the reason I couldn’t accept and find myself was because I didn’t accept my mom for who she was and her life experience as being worthy.

 

I sense that now things are changing. I’m blessed to have such a great, loving and wise mother. She is forty eight years old, she gave birth to her third daughter at the age of forty, and that little girl made her third husband and their marriage so much happier.

 

She went back to teach history at school, and loves it. Now she feels like she’s contributing to society. I am proud of her, and I want to take everything from her life experience, so I can apply it on my own life and be the best person and daughter.

How to organize absences from home

Your child needs to grow and develop independence, obviously. The right time to start is when they are mobile, so after the “in-arms” phase. We remember from the past posts that a child can only become independent after passing the stage of complete dependency on the caregiver. From birth and till they start creeping or crawling they need “in-arms” experience which is vital to their development. I always say that infant needs to be in contact with mother 24/7; it’s needed for his psycho-emotional development, his heart rate, his breathing, his body temperature, hormonal state and immune system to function efficiently. You can read about it in the previous articles. Moving on to the stage of independence.

At some point, mother needs to organize her absences from the child to allow him transition to independence. It’s important to do it right, and not to overdo it)) The child starts to stand at about 6-8 months. At this age – early social adaptation in the group occurs. This adaptation takes place in the absence of his mother. And, accordingly, in the absence of breastfeeding, so the child learns to spend some time without mommy’s breasts=)) I can say that it is an approximate scheme, depending on your particular situation. For example, I started organizing my absences past nine months of age of my daughter. In general, though, these are the right time frames for duration and frequency of your absences; by “right” I mean they are biologically appropriate to your child’s age and his development.

Here are some of the rules to organize your absence from home:

A child can be left alone with the person to whom you absolutely trust;

  • The first planned absences should take place when the child is awake; you cannot leave your baby asleep;
  • During your absence, the child must drink water and eat adult food;
  • Home absences during day naps start – from 9 months. The first 1-2 times, you can return to the spillage of the child, it is very delight;
  • When return – let him nurse right away. Even if it’s only for 1 minute. Then sit down with the kid at the table to eat;
  • By 10 months, the child can be away from you for 4-5 hours. It is important that the time absences coincided with daylight hours. As soon as it gets dark, hurry home.
  • At one year a child can spend without a mother, not be bored or remember about mother – about 6-7 hours. If it’s longer – he starts to miss you.
  • As the child grows up duration of absences increases. At 1.5 years it is 9-10 hours.
  • Frequency of absences – at least 3 times a week, but not more than 5.
  • Nightly absences may begin at the child’s age of 1.6-1.8 years. It is the beginning of the night absences that can trigger your period to come back;
  • Absences first “day-night-day” – at 1,9-2 years. Duration of 2-3 days – 2.3 years and 2.5 years – 1 week.

Breasts will react calmly, without engorgement, if you believe a child is safe. If you are worried – there is likely to be a big “tide” of milk. If so, you can hand-express until a feeling of relief. And, of course, ask yourself – “How come I’m so worried?” Perhaps it is over exaggerated.

Competent organization of absences gives you the opportunity to take care of your needs and the family, keeping the internal balance.

Mom who stays home with the child, have to be very creative and come up with a lot of kid activities, to distract attention from herself. There is a chance that the child might eat worse and sleep anxiously. But this is only a possibility, and it will depend on how the life of mom and a toddler is organized at home, and on the number of nursings.

Give the child the opportunity to become independent!

Happy Motherhood,

Sincerely yours, Your Motherhood and Attachment Parenting Coach

Valeriya Isernia

Vaccine Induced Demyelination


Myelination is an essential part of human brain development. Nerves can only conduct pulses of energy efficiently if covered by myelin. Like insulation on an electric wire, the fatty coating of myelin keeps the pulses confined and maintains the integrity of the electrical signal so that it has a high signal-to-noise ratio. When the insulation on a wire is damaged or

destroyed, the flow of electrical current may be interrupted and a short-circuit occurs.Oligodendrocyte cells give white matter its color by manufacturing myelin. If myelin falls into disrepair, nerve axons cease to function, even though they themselves aren’t damaged. Protecting oligodendrocytes after brain or spinal cord injury might keep nerve cells intact.At birth, relatively few pathways have myelin insulation. Myelination in the human brain continues from before birth until at least 20 years of age. Up until the age of 10 or so, vast areas of the cortex are not yet myelinated. Up to the age of 20, large areas of the frontal lobes are not yet myelinated.1

The prefrontal portions of the cerebrum have a profound influence on human behavior.2 If an individual is injected with vaccines,most of which have adjuvants like mercury and aluminum compounds, as well as foreign proteins (some from other species in which the vaccines were grown) and biological organisms, unprotected nerves may be impacted. The argument for a role of vaccines in the development of autistic disorders hinges on these biological effects upon nerves, damaging them in a way that influences behavior and learning patterns.

The argument for adjuvants evoking an auto-immune response does not hinge on any inherent neuro-toxicity of these compounds, but on the initiation of an allergic response.

 Make INFORMED decisions, people! Sincerely, Valeriya Isernia, AP trainer

6 reasons to say NO to vaccinations

Vaccination is an extremely controversial topic these days.     Whatever side of the aisle you may fall with regard to your opinion about vaccination, one thing is for certain.    The choice to vaccinate or not to vaccinate is a decision that has the potential to greatly impact the health of you and most importantly, your children for the rest of their lives.

As a result, this decision should not be taken lightly and it should not be made in a vacuum.   In other words, don’t just take your pediatrician’s word that shots are safe.    It is possible for doctors to be wrong.    They are human, after all.   In reality, your doctor is simply parroting the standard line about vaccination from the American Medical Association (AMA) playbook.    If you think you are getting their honest assessment, think again.

You should neither assume shots are dangerous just because your friend down the street doesn’t vaccinate her kids.

The key here is education;  making an informed decision by investigating the facts with an open mind and knowing exactly what you are getting yourself into before you commit to do anything.

With that in mind, the list below will briefly detail to you the reasons why I did not vaccinate my own children and will never consider a shot for them for any reason even in the event of a so called “pandemic.”    Please remember that I come from a medical family.   My own Father (retired) is a MD as is my brother and my cousin (who was a pediatrician, now deceased).    My husband’s mother is a nurse.    There is no shortage of opinions on this subject in my family, I can assure you.

So, don’t use family pressure as an excuse to do what you need to do once you investigate the facts for yourself and make an informed decision.   There is no more foolish choice than to do something because it is someone else’s wishes and not your own.    It is your body, after all and these are your children.   There is no one on earth who knows what is best for them except you and your spouse – not even and most especially not your doctor!   Make your decisions feeling confident in this knowledge.

#1:   Pharmaceutical Companies Can’t Be Trusted

Let’s just list a couple of the (many) times over the past 10 years where a drug or drug regimen has been deemed unsafe and downright dangerous and yet the pharmaceutical companies covered it up FOR YEARS in order to continue raking in the profits for as long as possible.    This should be an easy task.

How about hormone replacement therapy for women?    The standard of care for a menopausal woman for over 40 years was HRT.   Even women with no complaints were advised that this treatment was helpful as it reduced chances for a heart attack and cancer and even helped them feel younger.    Were any, I repeat ANY of these claims true?   Not a whit.   Breast cancer risk is doubled for women on HRT,  41% increased risk for stroke, 29% increased risk of heart attack, and the list goes on and on.

How about Vioxx?    Before this dangerous drug that caused thousands of deaths from heart attack and stroke was finally removed from the market, evidence surfaced that Merck had withheld information and even doctored reports on its dangers years before.    As of November 2007, Merck had agreed to pay $4.85 billion to settle approximately 27,000 cases from victims claiming injury or death of a family member using Vioxx.    While this is a huge sum of money, in reality it represents less than one year’s profits for Merck.   Does it pay for a drug company to lie about a drug’s safety and efficacy?   You betcha.    The risk of payouts to victims from getting sued is lower than the lure of huge and long lasting profits while a drug’s patent protection remains in effect.

I could cite other examples, but I’m trying to keep this post as pithy as possible.   Please comment if you have other examples of pharmaceutical company deceit.    It will help others reading this blog who might still be on the fence about this issue.

Remember the old proverb, “Fool me once, shame on you;  Fool me twice, shame on me”?    These corporate behemoths have proven themselves to be completely untrustworthy based on past behavior.   In a court of law, if such a company were an actual witness, an attorney would never put them on the stand due to a serious lack of credibility.   Are you really going to take these companies at their word that these shots are safe when money and profits are impacted by their answer?

#2:   ALL Vaccines are Loaded with Chemicals and other Poisons

Here is a list of some of the damaging ingredients in the vaccines on the market today:

MSG, antifreeze, phenol (used as a disinfectant), formaldehyde (cancer causing and used to embalm), aluminum (associated with alzheimer’s disease and seizures), glycerin (toxic to the kidney, liver, can cause lung damage, gastrointestinal damage and death), lead, cadmium, sulfates, yeast proteins, antibiotics, acetone (used in nail polish remover), neomycin and streptomycin.  And the ingredient making the press is thimerosol (more toxic than mercury, a preservative still used in many vaccines, not easily eliminated, can cause severe neurological damage as well as other life threatening autoimmune disease). These vaccines are grown and strained through animal or human tissue, likemonkey and dog kidney tissue, chick embryo, calf serum, human diploid cells (the dissected organs of aborted fetuses), pig blood, horse blood and rabbit brain.

Can you imagine injecting this stuff directly into your child’s blood?   At least if you ate these ingredients, your body would have a chance to detoxify and eliminate them before any permanent damage could be done.   But, to inject them right into the blood is the most damaging and lethal approach imaginable.    How could anyone possibly think injection of such a cocktail of poison could in any way help preserve and enhance your child’s health?

It sure didn’t make any sense to me.    And, here I am 12 years later, still very happy with my decision NOT to vaccinate my children.

Sadly, I know many Moms with 20/20 hindsight who greatly regret their decision to vaccinate.    I don’t know ANYONE who has not vaccinated and regrets their decision, however.     Which group do you want to be a part of in 10 years?

#3:   Fully Vaccinated Children are the Unhealthiest, Most Chronically Ill Children I Know

One thing that completely confounds me is that there are no studies comparing the health of unvaccinated children to the health of vaccinated children.  This seems like such an obvious study and it should have been conducted decades ago.    Why hasn’t it been done yet?   My guess is because the health of the nonvaccinated children would so totally blow away the health of the vaccinated children that the discussion about the dangers of vaccines could finally be put to bed and the case would be closed emphatically in favor of those that accuse shots of causing chronic illness and auto immune disease.

Take an informal poll of the folks in your circle and see for yourself.   Observation is a powerful tool, so put it to use.   The kids with the most problems – allergies, asthma, ADHD, autism, coordination and other gross motor issues, etc sure seem to be the ones that are right on track with their vaccination schedule, don’t you think?

Even more powerful, ask Moms with several children, some of whom are vaccinated and some who are not.    In my own circle, the Moms I know who have one or two older kids who are fully vaccinated and the younger kids who did not get any shots tell me that, hands down, that the unvaccinated children are healthier and have less problems.

Someday there will be a study that shows that unvaccinated children have many less health problems than their vaccinated peers.   Don’t wait until this study is finally done because it will be too late for your child.

#4:   Other Countries Are Waking Up to the Dangers of Vaccines

In 1975, Japan raised its minimum vaccination age to 2 years old,    The country’s infant mortality subsequently plummeted to such low levels that Japan now enjoys one of the lowest level in the Western world (#3 at last look).    In comparison, the United States’ infant mortality rate is #33.

In Australia, the flu vaccine was recently suspended (April 2010) for children under 5 because an alarming number of children were showing up in the emergency rooms with febrile convulsions or other vaccine reactions within hours of getting this shot.

Need I say more?

#5:   A Number of Vaccines Have Already Had Problems/Been Removed from the Market

Here is a brief list of some of the vaccines that have caused serious injury in recent years.   Please comment with others that you know of if they are not on this list:

– In Feb 2002, GlaxoSmithKline removed the Lyme Disease vaccine from the market citing poor sales when in fact a number of folks who received the vaccine reported symptoms worse than the disease itself such as incurable arthritis or neurological impairment.

–  The Rotavirus vaccine (Rotashield) was removed from the market in 1999 due to an association between the vaccine and life threatening bowel obstruction or twisting of the bowl!   Interestingly, my pediatrician at the time (who was a lifelong friend of our family) had highly recommended that this vaccine be given to my newborn baby at the time.   I trusted my instincts and said no to the shot – am I glad I did!    My pediatrician (remember, lifelong family friend) subsequently dropped me as a patient.   Guess he wasn’t such a friend after all!

– A warning was issued concerning the second Rotavirus vaccine (Rotateq)  in 2007 as it caused the same twisting of the bowel problem in 28 infants (16 of which required intestinal surgery).    This second vaccine has not yet been removed from the market as far as I know.

– Another vaccine that has had a lot of problems but is not yet withdrawn is the Gardasil vaccine for adolescent girls.    Fainting, paralysis, slurred speech are just a few of the reactions reported and yet this vaccine continues to stay on the market.   At least 1600 adverse events have been reported since its approval in 2006, yet doctors are continuing to recommend this shot to their patients.   Why this vaccine hasn’t already been removed from the market is astonishing.

If the vaccines above have had serious problems, the others probably do too as vaccine manufacturers follow the same basic formula when coming up with each new shot.

#6   You Can Always Get Vaccinated, But You Can Never Undo a Vaccination

Procrastination is usually considered a character flaw, but in the case of vaccination, delaying the decision for as long as possible plays to your advantage.    The longer you wait to vaccinate your child, the better.   A child’s immune system continues to develop for years after birth.    The blood/brain barrier does not fully develop until adolescence.     The longer you wait, the more likely your child’s immune system will be able to handle the onslaught with minimal damage.

If you don’t know what to do, don’t do anything!

Conversely, you can never undo a vaccination.   There are holistic therapies that can detox a child from the vaccine’s poison, but the damage that is done can never be 100% repaired.    And, I have NEVER met a fully vaccinated child that is healthier and more robust than a well nourished, unvaccinated child.   Period.

While I would like to convince you to never vaccinate your child, if I can simply convince you to delay it for a few years that is certainly better than vaccinating a baby.     If you can simply commit to waiting until your child is school age to vaccinate, so much the better than if you vaccinate as a toddler and so on.   Time is on your side and waiting is the best policy when it comes to shots.

By the time your child is older, more research will have been done, you will have an opportunity to learn more and become more comfortable with your decision to wait.    Who knows?    Your attitude of wait and see may turn out to be permanent.

original article here

Bad Breastfeeding Advice!!!

Here is a collection of ‘bad advice’ that many women are given in regard to breastfeeding from nurses, family, friends, etc. This bad advice is usually given with the very best intentions and is not meant to be ‘bad’. Please let me know if you have any questions about anything stated here!

*You must ‘prepare’ your nipples: rubbing with a towel/loofah/washcloth, pinching, pulling, etc. Leave your nipples alone! Your nipples were designed to breastfeed. Do not do anything to them; nipple stimulation is a labor inducer. During your third trimester, you can put Lansinoh cream on them, but you shouldn’t have to do anything else. Once you are nursing, use only warm water to wash your breasts, as soap may dry your nipples.

*Don’t put Lansinoh cream directly on your nipples; it will cause clogged ducts . Put it right on them; that’s what it’s for. Also, it does NOT need to be washed off before baby nurses.

*Baby shouldn’t nurse more than every 3-4 hours or you’ll spoil her. In the first few weeks, baby should eat at least every 3 hours-this is a minimum. It will often be closer to every 2 hours, as breastmilk digests in approximately 90 minutes. An increase in nursing time and frequency will happen during growth spurts, changes in routine, etc. Nurse on demand, as nursing is also a source of comfort for baby. You can never nurse too often; you can nurse too little. It’s a common thought that babies under 6 months cannot be spoiled.

*Switch breasts every 5-7 minutes, 10 minutes, etc. Never watch the clock when you are nursing. Baby will tell you that he is done by pulling off of your breast or falling asleep. When baby is finished with one breast, offer the second, though baby may or may not take it.

*You must not have enough milk, your milk must be bad, you should use formula if: baby is nursing so often, for such long periods, you don’t think you are pumping enough, etc. Baby will go through growth spurts, may cluster feed, or have some ‘marathon’ nursing sessions for any number of reasons. It does NOT mean your supply is low or that your milk is ‘bad’. These increases in frequency will come and go, but they will not last forever. Continue to feed on demand.

Never, never, never look to length of time nursing or pumping output as a reliable indicator of your supply. To see if baby is getting enough milk, watch her number of wet diapers and if she’s content after eating. Weight gain and meeting developmental milestones is also a good indicator that she’s getting enough. Your baby nursing is much more efficient than even the best breast pump.

*It won’t hurt to give one bottle of formula, a pacifier, etc: Both bottles and pacifiers can cause nipple confusion. With a bottle, baby may also decide he likes the faster flow of a bottle and may refuse the breast. Artificial nipples should only be introduced once nursing has been well established for a minimum of 3 weeks.

Milk production is a supply and demand process. If you give baby that one bottle of formula, your body will think baby doesn’t need as much milk, and will decrease your supply. With a lower supply, you will have to supplement with more formula, your body will continue to decrease your supply, and you’ll soon be down to nothing.

*Give baby a little cereal in a bottle; it will help him sleep through the night.Babies need NOTHING but breastmilk until at least 6 months of age. This cuts down on developing food allergies and gives the digestive tract time to mature. All babies are different, and giving cereal will not always guarantee sleeping through the night.

*There are no benefits to nursing past 6 months. The six month mark recommended by the APA, WHO, etc. is a minimum. The benefits to baby and you will continue as long as you breastfeed. In cases where food allergies are expected, breastfeeding is recommended a full year.

*If you have a sore breast, don’t nurse with it for a day or two. This can lead to a supply problem. Unless it’s very, very painful, you should nurse even a sore breast. It’s best to offer the healthy breast first, as baby will then be more gentle with the second breast. It’s best to see your doctor if you develop any problems ASAP.

*You can’t nurse if you’re sick. The only illnesses that require you to stop breastfeeding are HIV/AIDS HTLV-1 and septicetmia from food poisioning.  If you are sick, do continue to breastfeed-baby has already been exposed, and your milk will develop specific antibodies to whatever you have. If you are given medication, be sure your care provider knows you are breastfeeding. If a medication isn’t okay to take while breastfeeding, there is usually an alternative.

*Your baby isn’t getting enough milk when given a bottle. Up to 6 months, an exclusively breastfed baby will only need approximately 3 ounces of breastmilk per feeding if eating every 3 hours, 2 ounces if eating every 2 hours.  As baby grows, your breastmilk becomes more concentrated with the nutrients it produces. Formula doesn’t change, which is why it must be continually increased as baby grows. If baby seems to be eating significantly more than that, it’s most likely that the person giving baby the bottle isn’t adequately reading the signs that baby is finished.

*If baby is born and not producing enough wet diapers, you must supplement with formula. If there is a problem with baby not getting enough milk, pumped breastmilk is a better alternative to formula. To avoid nipple confusion, baby should be fed with a medicine dropper, oral syringe, etc. Babies are born with extra water to carry them through until mom’s milk ‘comes in’, generally 3-5 days after giving birth.

*It is better bottle feed … you can make your DH get up in the middle of the night to feed the baby. It isn’t fair that you should have to do all the work.Okay, formula feeding is easier on mom.  For about the first month, you will be the ONLY person that can feed her. This will take up a good portion of your post-partum time and energy. Dad and siblings need to realize that they’ll really have to do many of the chores: cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc.

*If your child is dehydrated, you must stop breastfeeding. Baby will not need any supplements to prevent dehydration IF he/she is eating often. Pedialyte can be used in addition to breastmilk, but should not replace it. Breastmilk does not dehydrate like cow’s milk.

original article here

When you know it’s time to go…

Have you met people in your life, whose presence brought you peace and harmony? Rarely I meet people, who have soothing effect on me, and my moods; somewhat elevating effect, that makes you want to be better and think that you can accomplish great things… Have you ever met people that when you start talking to them, you almost immediately feel that you are on the same page, and they waft pleasant thoughts and kind emotions. Such simple words, like kind thoughts and warm emotions.  I wish we didn’t forget these in a string of days.

I and Sophia were staying home for several days, and when we finally got out of the house today to visit my friends, I felt like a caveman, who saw the sunshine for the first time in many months. I have been very irritated due to a lot of factors: staying home too much, and not being able to leave Sophia with anyone, which I have finally understood that I have to in order to keep my sanity. I have to figure out the way to trust others to watch her and put up with the fact that it’s going to be English speaking person most likely. I know that leaving the house and leaving my daughter for periods of time were long overdue.

Ideally, I was supposed to do it 9 months ago, when she just turned nine months. It is very useful for her and formation of her independence. It is even more useful for me – an emotional and complex person, who just needs an outlet to express her creativity… But because of traumatic birth experience, and a feeling of guilt, also having paranoia that my child won’t speak Russian, because everyone around me is an English speaking “enemy”; and because of an absence of my mother and trust issues with my MIL, I just could not leave her. So I held on, and held on, and held on, until recently I have come to notice that it’s unbearable for me and for her.

Children genetically expect their mother to leave, and when it doesn’t happen, some issues start to arise. For instance, they may start nursing more often, almost at the same pace as newborns, up to twenty times a day… The logic here is “I might as well suck on breasts as much as I can, before she finally leaves…” Or they will throw tantrums in their attempts to usurp the mother… NOT GOOD. Not good for my sanity whatsoever.

I am always preaching how important it is to keep them in your arms 24/7 during in-arms phase, which is until they start creeping and crawling. It usually happens at around eight months of age. Until then it is extremely important to be in close contact, and not leave them with strangers and especially for long periods of time. I myself got so attached to my child and so carried away by this concept that I failed to notice that she is one and a half years old, and running around!!! WOW, and they are telling me that it’s other people’s children that grow up fast?! She grew up in a blink of an eye! And it’s time to leave, mommy, for your own sake and for the sake of your child’s well-being. Yet it is heart breaking, I realize that I need to step aside a bit and take my shield off of her… Otherwise, the result will be deplorable.

She has thrown quite a few tantrums recently, screaming and even growling and roaring at times; she would also throw herself on the floor and sometimes even hit her face(!), which I can’t imagine where she got it from??? It is driving me nuts, and I sure do not want to be a walking example of the joke: “Some people belong on a tree, because they are nuts!”

Anyhow, I took myself by the scruff, and drove to visit my friends. As always happens when I go to these precious people’s house, the time Sophia and I spent there was delightful. I always feel almost from the first moment I walk in, that I am understood. It right away makes me turn off my defense mode and just be myself, even though I remain having doubts whether I talk too much or not. Just can’t relax and be myself, shoot…What’s up with that. Sophia was acting fine, almost perfect, she was busy exploring the house, playing with Dante and finding new toys to play with. We were eating healthy snacks, light and tasty, and it made me feel good about myself. I almost believed I can follow a healthy diet and finally start a juice fest I was talking about for so long. I remembered that Mirta gave me “Juicing Bible” – a book about juicing, obviously. All I need to start is… to buy a juicer! Healthy body-healthy spirit, and vice versa.

Beautiful ideas, enlightened mood and spirit, that’s exactly what I needed! And very productive, too – we have come up with ideas for our AP and BF Support Group logo and finally watched “The business of being born”. It was hard for me to watch. I felt so guilty once again for my ignorance, and for what my daughter was put through because I didn’t do my research. Couple times during the movie I cried, but in the end it was liberating and empowering in a sense of gripping my passion and my mission in helping mothers to make informed decisions!

Coming home downgraded my optimism and light mood a little bit, and I questioned myself “why?” I think “light” comes from within, and I have to take responsibility for keeping it live. As everything in life, it is a matter of habit, sustained effort and discipline. And in some cases, mental health. Not my case, hopefully 😉

In the end we always turn to someone who can listen and is compassionate, who respects and accepts others and himself. All these latest, trends about steep personalities, and inflexible minds, don’t work. Einstein said that any kind of addiction is bad, no matter if the drug be alcohol, cigarettes or Idealism.  Outside toughness and agression are just decoys  that intend to cover up one’s incompetency to communicate with others, build lasting relationships, respect other people’s views, feelings, and ways etc, etc, etc.

Does it really matter in the end? I wasn’t talking to a girl, because she thought breastfeeding was pain in the butt. But it’s my problem! Who cares??? Welcome to natural selection, you just entered a ruffle! Some will make it, some won’t, it’s the law of evolution. Will I lower myself to arrogance and deceit? No. I learn to respect others and their choices. I learn to take responsibility for my own actions, moods and feelings, that’s a part of this deal, called adulthood.

Wow, where have I started and where have I ended?? Funny, this post came together to be about responsibility, light people, hope and time to get out of the house!

Hope I didn’t bore you, and Happy Motherhood!

Sincerely, Valeriya Isernia AP trainer

Accepting Yourself

“Accept yourself as you are. Otherwise, you will never see opportunity. You will not feel free to move toward it – you will feel you are not deserving.” Maxwell Maltz

I feel a bit philosophical today. Maybe it is due to food poisoning: I feel weak and dizzy lying on the couch, and not capable of any physical activity. Today, I can relate to all pregnant women with morning sickness, and it’s not fun…  Thank god, I didn’t have one when I was pregnant with Sophia! Anyhow, I’m shifting towards psychology in my attempts to help Mothers. When I attended an online seminar conducted by Founder and CEO of Motherhood and Breastfeeding Support Center in Russia, it was revealed to me that technologies don’t work. We can teach mothers the same breastfeeding techniques, but results will be different. Some women just can’t do it, while others succeed, following the same advice. It proves that there is more to it. There are issues that are sitting way deeper than actions that we take on surface.

I have a lot of great teachers, and I learn a great deal from people around me, as well as I learn from reading and simply observing life. The truth is that we ALL have the resources and answers within us. Everything we need is within our reach, but there are obstacles that we must overcome in order to get access to our limitless potential and knowledge. There are numerous subtle moments to discuss, but I want to start with the most important idea that usually interferes with the woman’s ability to be happy and fully realize her Motherhood potential. This is the ability to accept yourself.

This is a genuine ability to love yourself and be free from guilt, shame, anger and other unpleasant emotions. Making peace with yourself comes with conscious admittance of problems and complexes. For example, people who show aggression and hate to others, in fact, hate themselves. Our feelings are being converted outwards to protect ourselves. If you hear someone saying that they want to kill everyone, or they hate everyone, they are really saying that they hate themselves and want to kill themselves. When you accept yourself, you accept others. You develop tolerance to others when you are in peace with yourself. Tolerance is when someone tells you to go to hell, and you come back tanned and rested J That’s tolerance.

Accepting yourself, frees energy to flow in a more constructive way. Instead of wasting it on beating yourself and others, we can direct this energy towards positive changes. If we are stuck on negativity, it leads to stagnation. Life becomes a swamp, sucking us into more and more negativity and darkness. Eventually it brings disappointment and even disease.

Accepting yourself gives hope for a better future. People, who read Bible, for example, are more accepting, thus have more hope. Hope defines quality of life. How would you live if you didn’t have hope for the future? People who despise it and try to understand Bible with logic are usually cynical and bitter. Reality doesn’t have right or wrong, it just exists. It is much easier to be critical, to be cynical, to be hateful, but in the end the person hurts himself. Hope and tolerance are healing. It takes effort, though, to be open, and accepting. And we all should start from accepting ourselves and loving unconditionally. When you love yourself unconditionally, you become selfless, and want to serve others.

Accepting yourself also means reserving a right for mistakes. Many people are afraid to make mistakes. But making mistakes is a very quintessence of a learning process. Zig Ziglar said “failure is an event, and tomorrow really is a new day!” So don’t try to be perfect, as it is the most common complex for a woman….;) I am very familiar with this oneJ

Roots of all complexes, self-limiting beliefs and problems usually come from early life experiences and certain events in life of an individual.  You can’t change the past, but you can control what’s happening to you today. There is no need to fight with it, or get rid of it. The philosophical position is to gain, not to lose or “get rid of” something… Watch yourself from aside and notice when anger, shame, fear, or hurt enter your consciousness. Then you can use your will and stop it, and try to understand why this feeling occurred. For example, today, I got mad at S, I was extremely irritated and wanted to yell so much. I stopped by asking myself – what is really going on? I realized that I’m really mad at myself for not keeping up the order in the house. But why should I? Again, a striving to perfection, gone too far, was causing neurosis and everyone to suffer…

Another dangerous one is to think that you’re a bad mother. This doesn’t bring anything but trouble. By just acknowledging that we are not perfect, and still learning to be wise mothers, will relieve hard feelings and sense of failure. Then we can focus on changing things…

So, accept yourself, it will do good for you and everyone around you!

Happy Motherhood!

Sinserely yours,

Valeriya Isernia

 

The Main task of the Mother

Nurturing Mothers Network is a Natural Parenting and Breastfeeding Support Group and Educational Center.

As you all know we are a community of like-minded women who share their passion for breastfeeding. Our mission is to support and educate mothers about breastfeeding.

Today, I want to talk about the main task of the mother, or Mother’s Mission. If you ask any mother what does she want for her child, she will say: I want my kid to be happy, healthy, socially adapted, morally sound; I want him to live in harmony with himself and those around him, and I want him to be capable of building and nurturing long-lasting relationships with other people. Generally, any mother would want her child to be the best he can be and release his life potential to the fullest extent.

The important moment is to realize that we can only convey qualities to our children that we possess ourselves. We can’t give them something we don’t have, right?

So, the real question is – are you happy? Are you socially adapted? Are you living in harmony with yourself and others? Are you morally sound individual? These are the real questions to ask!

We, as Nurturing Mothers, believe that the main task of the mother is to never stop growing as a person, as a Woman, as an interesting individual, so you can become the best you can be, and your child will become the best he can be by looking at you.

Jim Rohn said – “the book you missed won’t help!” This is true! That’s why I encourage you to read a lot, to keep developing yourself, to live your life to the fullest. Great news is that it’s never too late to start, and anybody can do it. None of us is perfect. We can all strive to perfection, but we can never reach the perfection, and that’s ok!

You can turn yourself into anything you want to be, and you can become the best Mother you can be, every woman has a huge motherhood potential that needs and can be awakened and refined. Nurturing Mothers Network is here  to help you achieve that goal! Sincerely yours, Valeriya Isernia, Team Leader of Nurturing Mothers Network

Why you need to burn your crib, or make it an awesome laundry hamper!

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It seems to me that everything in western civilization is done backwards. In the beginning of life, when infants are the most sensitive and need physical touch and affection, at the point when their wants ARE their needs, parents refuse them this closeness, motivating it by the need to make them independent and for their safety. Then, when the baby is past this dependence stage (in most cases, with already developed sense of “wrongness”) and ready to become independent, parents all of a sudden, start following them around, constantly repeating disturbing messages like “don’t touch this, you going to hurt yourself”, “Don’t touch that, you’re going to break this”, “be careful, you’ going to fall” – basically setting them up for failure and undermining their sense of competency and self-confidence!

The truth of the matter is – holding your baby, breastfeeding your baby, sleeping next to your baby, isn’t just a nice social idea or a new trend. It’s physiological regulation for the baby’s body. It is what baby’s system expects to experience, so its heart rate, its breathing, its body temperature; his hormonal state and immune system will function efficiently.

It is not just an interesting innovation that someone, a middle class, white doctor, thought that the baby should be elsewhere, except where his parents are, but this was an unfortunate belief system that was just a few people’s ideas of what the relationship should be between the parent and the baby at night. But this belief system is completely in odds of what the biology of the infant is all about, and the biology of the mother is all about.

Here are the most popular arguments against bed sharing:

1 .It’s not safe

2. You will spoil them

3. Kids, who bed share with their parents, grow up too dependent.

4. They’ll never want to go to their own bed

5. It will affect unfavorably your intimate life with your husband

6. It’s uncomfortable

I will address every one of them:

  1. It is safe to bed share with your baby unless the mother is drunk, or on heavy medications, which will affect sleeping patterns, and make a person sleep heavier. Other than that it is safe.
Co-Sleeping

Co-Sleeping (Photo credit: Sugar and Vice)

Can you imagine that a pregnant woman would lay on her stomach while asleep, if she’s in sound mind and memory? Of course, not! We can say that a woman, who gave birth, already has an experience of bed sharing with her child. The only difference now – the baby is outside, not inside. Research was done on infant’s deaths from bed sharing, and it showed that all of them had a common feature – they were bottle-fed, not breast-fed. Breastfeeding mother lays her baby upper, close to her breast, so it’s impossible to roll over. Second point – is that breastfeeding mother is more attuned to her baby, and her sensitivity levels are higher, especially when asleep. From my own experience, I can share that even when I was deeply asleep, I’d grab my husband’s shoulder every time he rolled at night! It was so quick and automatic; I would wake up immediately, if my daughter sighed at night.

2.“You will spoil them”. I knew a mother who decided to put her baby in a separate crib in a separate room at three months old. She figured it was time to start incorporating discipline. The baby was screaming and weeping every night, but as she put it she “toughed it out” and he got used to it. She toughed it out… what about the baby, who was left alone screaming his lungs out? Usually this kind of ideas comes to individuals who are hurting, and have wounds from the past. This girl had a history of horrible family relationships, and subconsciously we always want to match our previous experiences with our present reality. You can’t get mad at those people either – the same was done to them, and they don’t know any better.

It is important to understand that at this age baby’s wants are their needs, and they are not trying to manipulate. His crying reflects his state. We all know what it means when the baby is crying, yet we don’t pick them up, because we listen to the “experts” with their parade of theories on how to treat an infant. Instead we should listen to our instincts, which know precisely how to nurture a baby. Every man, woman, boy and girl knows how to take care of the baby. But our instincts are shut down by the Intellect that reasons everything, and attempts to approach and analyze child care with logic.

Babies have certain inborn expectations that match their evolutionary experience and biology. When the expected does not happen they signal us by crying. Every baby cries when we put them down, this way they let us know  NOT to put them down. All babies do that, could they possibly be all wrong? No! This is a call of nature, pure and ultimate.

The baby knows what it supposed to get, his skin is crying out for nurturing touch of an adult, caregiver, he wants to be next to a live body, not in a lifeless box, wrapped in a lifeless cloth! When baby’s crying goes unanswered he develops a sense of wrongness, and the whole world becomes horribly wrong. It leads to multiple disorders later in life and turns on compensatory mechanisms that I can talk about for hours, but mainly, this kind of mistreatment causes the loss of natural ability to be happy.

When natural state of happiness is lost, it becomes a goal. Look how many books are written on subjects like – how to be happy, find happiness, etc! We are so used to our own misery, that we consider ourselves lucky if we are not homeless or in pain. And what was once man’s confident expectation on how he’s supposed to be treated, is now shut off, he’s told what he is supposed to have and want. But there is in him a sense of loss, a feeling of being off center, an intuitive longing for something he cannot name. Asked point blank he will seldom deny it. If I can contribute to my child’s happiness by simply responding to his genuine needs, I will take my chances!

3. Forming child’s independence. A child can become independent only after passing a stage of complete dependency from caregiver. Co-sleeping, and bed sharing as a form of co-sleeping, satisfies one of the basic needs of the child – is being close to his mother, being in constant physical contact. Besides hormonal and biological benefits of co-sleeping that ensures efficient development of all baby’s systems and reduces the chances of SIDS, it offers emotional and bonding benefits. Giving this secure base for the child will help him to feel secure within himself. Children who co-slept with their parents are more affectionate; easier self-disclose themselves to others, more trusting and capable of building long-lasting and harmonious relationships with others.  Another moment – by leaving a baby to sleep alone, we handle to him a responsibility for his own safety, which he’s not ready to take just yet. They are ready to take responsibility at around three or four years of age.

4. Children who successfully passed the stage of dependency will easily go to their own bed when the time comes. It doesn’t happen overnight, and takes certain steps that you can find here. At first the child goes to his own bed during day naps, and slowly transitions to sleep there at night. There are common sense rules that make this process easy and natural for both – mother and child. For example, mother and father need to take up the most of the bed, not giving priority to a child, this way it gets crowded and not very interesting for him, and eventually he leaves.

5. It won’t really affect your love life, considering the fact that there are plenty of different places, besides the bed. That’s all I have to say about that 😉

6. In fact it is extremely comfortable not to have to get up at night to nurse your baby. Sleeping through the night is not recommended for tiny breastfeeding babies. Dr. Sears explains that whether this is desirable or undesirable depends on parent’s mindset, but the facts state that breastfed babies wake more frequently for good reasons. Breastmilk is digested faster than formula, so breastfed babies get hungry sooner. Also, one of the main milk producing hormones – prolactin – is highest at night hours (usually between 1 and 7 a.m.). Could it be that a mother’s body is designed for night feedings? The focus in the first months of breastfeeding, should not be on getting the baby to sleep through the night, but rather learning to cope with his normal nighttime infant behavior. Besides, night feedings satisfy your baby’s emotional need.

Conclusion: Every family is different, and should find a sleeping arrangement that works for them. At the same time, it is important to remember that infants biology and expectations as well as mother’s biology and expectations should work together to reach optimal health, development and overall well-being.

Bed sharing can be really comfortable if you know how to breastfeed when lying down. I was very uncomfortable at first, and lactation specialist showed me the right position. Since then, night nursings are my favorite! Bed sharing is one form of co-sleeping, some people sidecar a crib next to their bed, so the baby is within arms reach. I hope you find the one that works for you. Happy Motherhood! Always yours, Valeriya Isernia