When you know it’s time to go…

Have you met people in your life, whose presence brought you peace and harmony? Rarely I meet people, who have soothing effect on me, and my moods; somewhat elevating effect, that makes you want to be better and think that you can accomplish great things… Have you ever met people that when you start talking to them, you almost immediately feel that you are on the same page, and they waft pleasant thoughts and kind emotions. Such simple words, like kind thoughts and warm emotions.  I wish we didn’t forget these in a string of days.

I and Sophia were staying home for several days, and when we finally got out of the house today to visit my friends, I felt like a caveman, who saw the sunshine for the first time in many months. I have been very irritated due to a lot of factors: staying home too much, and not being able to leave Sophia with anyone, which I have finally understood that I have to in order to keep my sanity. I have to figure out the way to trust others to watch her and put up with the fact that it’s going to be English speaking person most likely. I know that leaving the house and leaving my daughter for periods of time were long overdue.

Ideally, I was supposed to do it 9 months ago, when she just turned nine months. It is very useful for her and formation of her independence. It is even more useful for me – an emotional and complex person, who just needs an outlet to express her creativity… But because of traumatic birth experience, and a feeling of guilt, also having paranoia that my child won’t speak Russian, because everyone around me is an English speaking “enemy”; and because of an absence of my mother and trust issues with my MIL, I just could not leave her. So I held on, and held on, and held on, until recently I have come to notice that it’s unbearable for me and for her.

Children genetically expect their mother to leave, and when it doesn’t happen, some issues start to arise. For instance, they may start nursing more often, almost at the same pace as newborns, up to twenty times a day… The logic here is “I might as well suck on breasts as much as I can, before she finally leaves…” Or they will throw tantrums in their attempts to usurp the mother… NOT GOOD. Not good for my sanity whatsoever.

I am always preaching how important it is to keep them in your arms 24/7 during in-arms phase, which is until they start creeping and crawling. It usually happens at around eight months of age. Until then it is extremely important to be in close contact, and not leave them with strangers and especially for long periods of time. I myself got so attached to my child and so carried away by this concept that I failed to notice that she is one and a half years old, and running around!!! WOW, and they are telling me that it’s other people’s children that grow up fast?! She grew up in a blink of an eye! And it’s time to leave, mommy, for your own sake and for the sake of your child’s well-being. Yet it is heart breaking, I realize that I need to step aside a bit and take my shield off of her… Otherwise, the result will be deplorable.

She has thrown quite a few tantrums recently, screaming and even growling and roaring at times; she would also throw herself on the floor and sometimes even hit her face(!), which I can’t imagine where she got it from??? It is driving me nuts, and I sure do not want to be a walking example of the joke: “Some people belong on a tree, because they are nuts!”

Anyhow, I took myself by the scruff, and drove to visit my friends. As always happens when I go to these precious people’s house, the time Sophia and I spent there was delightful. I always feel almost from the first moment I walk in, that I am understood. It right away makes me turn off my defense mode and just be myself, even though I remain having doubts whether I talk too much or not. Just can’t relax and be myself, shoot…What’s up with that. Sophia was acting fine, almost perfect, she was busy exploring the house, playing with Dante and finding new toys to play with. We were eating healthy snacks, light and tasty, and it made me feel good about myself. I almost believed I can follow a healthy diet and finally start a juice fest I was talking about for so long. I remembered that Mirta gave me “Juicing Bible” – a book about juicing, obviously. All I need to start is… to buy a juicer! Healthy body-healthy spirit, and vice versa.

Beautiful ideas, enlightened mood and spirit, that’s exactly what I needed! And very productive, too – we have come up with ideas for our AP and BF Support Group logo and finally watched “The business of being born”. It was hard for me to watch. I felt so guilty once again for my ignorance, and for what my daughter was put through because I didn’t do my research. Couple times during the movie I cried, but in the end it was liberating and empowering in a sense of gripping my passion and my mission in helping mothers to make informed decisions!

Coming home downgraded my optimism and light mood a little bit, and I questioned myself “why?” I think “light” comes from within, and I have to take responsibility for keeping it live. As everything in life, it is a matter of habit, sustained effort and discipline. And in some cases, mental health. Not my case, hopefully 😉

In the end we always turn to someone who can listen and is compassionate, who respects and accepts others and himself. All these latest, trends about steep personalities, and inflexible minds, don’t work. Einstein said that any kind of addiction is bad, no matter if the drug be alcohol, cigarettes or Idealism.  Outside toughness and agression are just decoys  that intend to cover up one’s incompetency to communicate with others, build lasting relationships, respect other people’s views, feelings, and ways etc, etc, etc.

Does it really matter in the end? I wasn’t talking to a girl, because she thought breastfeeding was pain in the butt. But it’s my problem! Who cares??? Welcome to natural selection, you just entered a ruffle! Some will make it, some won’t, it’s the law of evolution. Will I lower myself to arrogance and deceit? No. I learn to respect others and their choices. I learn to take responsibility for my own actions, moods and feelings, that’s a part of this deal, called adulthood.

Wow, where have I started and where have I ended?? Funny, this post came together to be about responsibility, light people, hope and time to get out of the house!

Hope I didn’t bore you, and Happy Motherhood!

Sincerely, Valeriya Isernia AP trainer