How I accepted my mother and became happy

 

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It’s funny and amazing that I got to write about my mother. As an individual, who doesn’t believe in accidents, I have a feeling this has been long overdue. I need to acknowledge my mother and reconnect with her heritage.

 

In retrospect, I have always been daddy’s girl and then, step daddy’s girl, who was even more of a dad to me for as long as he lived until he passed away. My step dad (my mother’s second husband) died seventeen years ago. He was in our lives for ten years.

 

During those years, I barely spoke to my real dad. I felt neither need nor mutual desire. That changed, when my step dad died, and I needed to fill in my heart with new father figure. I craved father figure. For some reason, my whole life has been about fathers, brothers, boyfriends and then, a spouse. Everything about men and difficult relationships with them.

 

I slowly started talking again to my dad; it became easier, since I was transferred to school, where he was teaching physics and astronomy. To me, a fourteen year old traumatized and confused teenager he was a mesmerizing image of god, a source of truth, which was unquestionable, just like his authority. Due to my thirst of connection, I listened and believed everything he said; I was like a sponge, trying to soak every bit of information and attention, even like a puppy, craving love.

 

My father is bright, enlightened and passionate individual, a visionary. He influenced me profoundly. When he became successful in his business, which he was doing on a side from school, I was very proud. My mom was still working in some retail store, she was an owner, but eventually had to give it up, simply because it wasn’t producing enough money. To be honest, after spending all our savings, trying to save her second husband and the greatest love of her life, and after losing this battle with death, things went down spiral.

 

She found a third husband, but I felt she stayed with him, because she couldn’t stand the loneliness.

Her third husband was a complete opposite of her second husband. To make it more complicated he inherited two troubled kids (me and my sister), and a woman, who he loved with all his heart, yet he was doomed to be compared to the one she had truly loved and lost. It wasn’t easy. They were fighting constantly. He even left a few times, but always came back.

 

My mother is a very strong, powerful, insightful, deep and intense individual. For this very reason they couldn’t make it with my father. They were two leaders, who couldn’t give up their authorities.

 

By the age of nineteen, I was quiet and shy individual, with vivid imagination and dreams to be some kind of artist. I had a music band, where I was a singer, and I was constantly writing poems. What I didn’t have was guts to pursue artistic career. My mother was pressuring me to get a “real” education. I left music, went to study Tourism and Hospitality, and when I was twenty one, I came to the United States as an exchange student. I never came back home.

 

My father was trying to recruit me to expand his business overseas, but I just wasn’t wired the same way, and felt really guilty about it. His success and my inability to follow made me feel mediocre.

 

I was looking down at my mother, who was now working as a retail assistant at somebody else’s store. It was definitely under her intellectual capacity, but she couldn’t manage to get out to the next level. I was mad at her, yet I couldn’t find myself either.

 

Next year I’m turning thirty. I am just now realizing that I need to go into artistic field and not feel ashamed about it. I have been drilling everything my dad said out of my head, because I have realized that this man is not always right, and the wall between us can’t be broken even if I fulfill all of his expectations.

 

I’m learning to set boundaries and protect what’s important to me. I’m re-examining my relationship with my mother. My dad got this vibe going, as if she had nothing accomplished in her life, and he’s so successful, yet to me, she was lucky to experience the greatest love I have ever witnessed, and the most beautiful love story with the most amazing man, who had died for us. I envy her now.

 

I love talking to her; she’s my best life coach. I think part of the reason I couldn’t accept and find myself was because I didn’t accept my mom for who she was and her life experience as being worthy.

 

I sense that now things are changing. I’m blessed to have such a great, loving and wise mother. She is forty eight years old, she gave birth to her third daughter at the age of forty, and that little girl made her third husband and their marriage so much happier.

 

She went back to teach history at school, and loves it. Now she feels like she’s contributing to society. I am proud of her, and I want to take everything from her life experience, so I can apply it on my own life and be the best person and daughter.

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How to organize absences from home

Your child needs to grow and develop independence, obviously. The right time to start is when they are mobile, so after the “in-arms” phase. We remember from the past posts that a child can only become independent after passing the stage of complete dependency on the caregiver. From birth and till they start creeping or crawling they need “in-arms” experience which is vital to their development. I always say that infant needs to be in contact with mother 24/7; it’s needed for his psycho-emotional development, his heart rate, his breathing, his body temperature, hormonal state and immune system to function efficiently. You can read about it in the previous articles. Moving on to the stage of independence.

At some point, mother needs to organize her absences from the child to allow him transition to independence. It’s important to do it right, and not to overdo it)) The child starts to stand at about 6-8 months. At this age – early social adaptation in the group occurs. This adaptation takes place in the absence of his mother. And, accordingly, in the absence of breastfeeding, so the child learns to spend some time without mommy’s breasts=)) I can say that it is an approximate scheme, depending on your particular situation. For example, I started organizing my absences past nine months of age of my daughter. In general, though, these are the right time frames for duration and frequency of your absences; by “right” I mean they are biologically appropriate to your child’s age and his development.

Here are some of the rules to organize your absence from home:

A child can be left alone with the person to whom you absolutely trust;

  • The first planned absences should take place when the child is awake; you cannot leave your baby asleep;
  • During your absence, the child must drink water and eat adult food;
  • Home absences during day naps start – from 9 months. The first 1-2 times, you can return to the spillage of the child, it is very delight;
  • When return – let him nurse right away. Even if it’s only for 1 minute. Then sit down with the kid at the table to eat;
  • By 10 months, the child can be away from you for 4-5 hours. It is important that the time absences coincided with daylight hours. As soon as it gets dark, hurry home.
  • At one year a child can spend without a mother, not be bored or remember about mother – about 6-7 hours. If it’s longer – he starts to miss you.
  • As the child grows up duration of absences increases. At 1.5 years it is 9-10 hours.
  • Frequency of absences – at least 3 times a week, but not more than 5.
  • Nightly absences may begin at the child’s age of 1.6-1.8 years. It is the beginning of the night absences that can trigger your period to come back;
  • Absences first “day-night-day” – at 1,9-2 years. Duration of 2-3 days – 2.3 years and 2.5 years – 1 week.

Breasts will react calmly, without engorgement, if you believe a child is safe. If you are worried – there is likely to be a big “tide” of milk. If so, you can hand-express until a feeling of relief. And, of course, ask yourself – “How come I’m so worried?” Perhaps it is over exaggerated.

Competent organization of absences gives you the opportunity to take care of your needs and the family, keeping the internal balance.

Mom who stays home with the child, have to be very creative and come up with a lot of kid activities, to distract attention from herself. There is a chance that the child might eat worse and sleep anxiously. But this is only a possibility, and it will depend on how the life of mom and a toddler is organized at home, and on the number of nursings.

Give the child the opportunity to become independent!

Happy Motherhood,

Sincerely yours, Your Motherhood and Attachment Parenting Coach

Valeriya Isernia